


John: Don't Smile

by MelodramaticMrTails



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cocaine, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Friendship, Frottage, Getting Clean, M/M, Polyamory, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-23
Updated: 2013-03-30
Packaged: 2017-12-06 05:11:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/731796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodramaticMrTails/pseuds/MelodramaticMrTails
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is JOHN EGBERT and your life is confusing. That’s putting it simply. To be more complex, it’s a terrible system of unfulfillment, drugs, and the worse judgement you’ve ever had. You work, not because you have to but because you want to. You still socialize with all your friends, you all live in the same sort-of-Earth sort-of-Alternia neighborhood anyways. There’s a vast population around you that sort of treat you all like gods and they’re not technically wrong. You’re also sort of immortal, but it’s not really something that comes up often.</p><p>Oh, and you supply a constant stream of hard drugs to your two junkie Striders.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. John: Don't Smile

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and your life is confusing. That’s putting it simply. To be more complex, it’s a terrible system of unfulfillment, drugs, and the worse judgement you’ve ever had. You work, not because you have to but because you want to. You still socialize with all your friends, you all live in the same sort-of-Earth sort-of-Alternia neighborhood anyways. There’s a vast population around you that sort of treat you all like gods and they’re not technically wrong. You’re also sort of immortal, but it’s not really something that comes up often.

Oh, and you supply a constant stream of hard drugs to your two junkie Striders. Dave and his older brother-dad-younger brother-son, Dirk had somehow managed to decoy you into a living situation you had never dreamed of being in. After the game, things had initially been amazing and then, of course, very dull. You’re not sure which brother it began with, or even if they began at the same time, or how any of this even happened, but much to your misfortune it did. You can distantly remember reading something about geniuses being more likely to become addicts and you’re not sure why you thought it was relevant.

For the most part, everything is fairly normal. They live in your house, an odd combination that reminds you of your old house, some kind of weird troll hive, and Dave’s apartment. You wonder if whoever built it for you knew you’d end up living with the Striders. Your old house is now taken up residency by your father-half brother and Rose’s mother-daughter. Dave’s and Dirk’s apartments were quickly snatched up by their older brothers. You feel like you’re forgetting one, but it doesn’t matter. That still leaves you living with two Striders.

You work a couple days a week and hang with your friends just as often as possible. Dave works on his awesomely shitty comics and Dirk builds his awesome robots and every two to three days to give them each a large dosage of cocaine. It won’t kill them, you’re as careful as you can be with near lethal doses, but they’re god tiers. Still, you always get the awful feeling that overdosing this way would be justified. You always try to give them less than they want.

Dirk’s moirail has currently too busy with other things to fully pay Dirk any attention. Of course, you humans weren’t all that capable of embracing moirail status either. His other moirail, which you’re not even sure if that’s allowed, was kind of selfish, too. Which you found weird considering he’s Jade’s relative. You suppose, though, that you never knew her grandfather well and he may have been just as selfish. You’ve met him by now, of course, and you have no idea what he’s saying half the time.

As the proud moirail of Dave, you take on Dirk because he’s sort of Dave? They don’t always get along well, but you suppose that’s what keeps it from being too creepy. Granted, you stop finding things creepy after Grandpa John.

Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and they’re both in your bed. Sometimes you wake up on the floor after having been shoved out of your bed. Sometimes you wake up and they’re on the floor with you. You’re not really sure what any of this means. They both have their own sleeping arrangements after all.

Sometimes all you can do is watch as they slip under and eventually pass out. They don’t act like junkies. A part of you wonders if it’s because each dosage you so carefully give them is actually killing them each time, preventing a true addiction from forming. You can’t rationalize your thoughts into any true reason for them to stop. You have to keep up your side of the promise. As long as they were being safe, you have to give them what they want. If you don’t, they’ll just continue the same reckless way they had been before.

You suppose that’s what an addict is. ‘It’s not hurting anyone’. It’s not hurting Dave, or Dirk, or their brothers or the weird little family you’ve all adopted throughout the game. It’s hurting you. Maybe not physically. Sometimes physically. Sometimes when they’re too out of their minds to tell the difference and you get in the way, you end up on the wrong side of some aggressive, but you know they don’t do it on purpose. You were kind of asking to be shoved into the counter when you snuck up on Dave accidentally. You were definitely at fault for trying to remove Dirk from the shower and earning a black eye.

You don’t tell them that they’re the ones that gave you the bruises. You know that they know, but as long as you don’t complain they won’t feel guilty. You’re not sure why you do it.

You need someone to talk to. Someone rational. To your efforts, you’ve tried. You talked to Bro Dave and Bro Dirk, neither of which followed. Admittedly, you were trying to sidestep around the problem creating more problems. Bro Dirk assured you that Dirk would only have a bottomless pit of a stomach for another three years and while that solved the mystery of why you have to go shopping up to three times a week, it wasn’t exactly helpful. Bro Dave gave you unreal air. You, uh, thanked him? Bro Dave kind of freaks you out. Like even more than Davesprite did.

You talked to Rose, of course. She psychoanalyzed, of course. You’re pretty sure there was a solution in between the lines, but you couldn’t pick it out. Kanya offered a simpler version that was only slightly more helpful. Jade comforted you, but she had no advice. You went on a limb and spoke to Jane, your 'it doesn’t matter somehow you’re related' -wow you’re bad at ectobiology-, but she only voiced her disappointment and unwillingness to believe Dirk didn’t know what he was doing. Then she made you a cake. You avoided your grandmother in fear of more baked goods. Your dad was as unhelp as Mom Roxy was. Roxy was even more unhelpful. Maybe it was because you never explicitly said 'cocaine'.

The bottom line always came down to ‘it’s not hurting anything, they’ll stop when they’re ready’. You know that. It’s not what you want to hear, but maybe you’re just being selfish. The only person you haven’t talked to is Karkat and while you have a strong feeling he’d offer the best advice, you also know he’s been having a hell of a time managing Gamzee despite the troll now being on enough antipsychotics to put down a Giclops.

You thought about asking Kankri. You wisely thought better of it.

The completely obvious answer would be to just talk to Dave and Dirk but, you can’t. You just can’t. You’re concerned that if you voice your displeasure, they’ll take it as a sign of you backing out of your end and they’ll flee. You once took the time to muse if they were doing this on purpose in some sort of reverse stockholm or something. You dismissed that thought as quickly as you had thought it.

You dread coming home on days like this. The days you know they’ll be waiting to get high. You’re not actually sure if it’s illegal here and honestly it doesn’t matter. You’re gods. The people here will do whatever you ask of them. It’s weird and unnerving which is probably why you and everyone else you know live in the same neighborhood away from your people.

The cocaine is heavy in your sllyadex and even though it’s probably obvious to everyone already, you can’t help but feel secretive about it. The little brown package isn’t suspicious at all. You don’t even want to know where Vriska gets it and refuse to ask. It shouldn’t even matter.

You feet touch the ground first. You’ve really been losing grace lately, nearly tripping yourself in the landing. It almost like having cats, you catch yourself thinking once again as to enter your house. As soon as you open the door, there’s two little blonds approaching you. So, maybe, less like kittens and more like wildcats. They’re both taller than you and Dirk is very obviously more powerful. You know Dave probably is too, but it’s not as obvious.

“Do you have some?” Dave asks calmly, hands shoved anxiously in his pockets. Dirk mimics the question by licking his lips. You could keep it in the house, but you don’t do this for the same fear that keeps you bringing more back. Somehow it’s better if you’re involved. You reveal the good and shake the package slightly. They both smirk little half grins.

You take it into the kitchen and they follow. They always get more anxious when they know you have it. You take a moment to empty the sink, again, and clear a spot on the counter where you unbundle the package. You make sure both syringes are completely sealed and undamaged. It’s not that you don’t trust Vriska, but better safe than sorry. While you appreciate your friends are both basically immortal, it would just make you feel better to not tempt fate.

They hover. Dave hoists himself onto the edge of the sink and Dirk leans against the counter on your other side. Maybe you just don’t view it as junkie behavior because you’ve been around them too long. Maybe it’s not entirely normal to feel like your life is in danger if you don’t act fast enough but, well, you know they wouldn’t hurt you on purpose and definitely not sober.

You busy your fingers with the same process you’ve performed too many times for comfort. Dave had to show you how. Sometimes you feel as though Dirk is still fighting it. Occasionally, you think Dave does too. Tonight, you think neither of those things. Dave grabs your wrist gently, but suddenly, stalling your work. You already know what he wants. He’s impatient tonight, much to your disappointment.

With nothing but hesitation and reluctance, you dip a finger into the bag and Dave gladly opens his mouth to receive. You rub a bit of the substance on his gums and absently scold yourself for being unable to say no. Sure enough, Dirk demands the same treatment, placing his chin on your shoulder. You oblige. A part of you distantly hopes that this will be enough to sate them this time.

It’s not as it never is. So you prepare the pair of syringes and one right after another, you help your friends continue this terrible habit. Dirk wanders off to continue what he’d been doing before. It only takes about three minutes for the effects to reach their peak but fortunately that meant it would be over quicker. On the best of nights, you only had to deal with them for an hour or two.

Dave tries to kiss you. He’s been doing it a lot lately. You’re not sure why, but it’s safe to assume it’s the drugs. You dodge it somewhat awkwardly, hopping a step away. He stares at you blankly. You neither want to take advantage of your drugged friend or get an aftertaste of the substance in his mouth. Maybe if he was sober. You’re not sure. It doesn’t matter. Now that you think about it, Dirk’s been saying strange things more often, too. You don’t think they’re jokes; ironic or otherwise.

Rose has since long psychoanalyzed your sexuality to you unfortunately about when your relationship with Karkat started drifting into the red. You didn’t really think it red, though. It was more like pale with benefits. Benefits that were kissing. Not your best idea. Trolls have teeth for a reason and you’re pretty sure that reason is to turn your lips into grated cheese. Whether Dave, or Dirk for that matter, are possible candidates for red anything is completely irrelevant. You aren’t going to take advantage of your friends like that.

You clean the mess carefully and Dave watches you the entire time. This makes you more uneasy than you want to admit. You’re confident you’re not in any harm, but it’s just uncomfortable. By now it should be obvious to both of them that you want them to stop. Maybe it is and they just don’t care. Or maybe they really can’t stop. You’re all too aware no one here communicates very well. That’s not going to change very soon.

Dave circles you suddenly, his hands at either side but no part of him physically touching you. This is not good. You don’t want to hurt him, but you really don’t want him to hurt you either. In fact if no one got hurt here that would be just wonderful. You’ve long since abandoned any hope of understand what he does or wants when he’s like this.

The door gives you room to abscond.

“John?” Jake calls from outside, knocking feverishly and happily. This is good. You open the door quickly and Jake practically launches himself inside. “Hello John. Roxy got me this movie and I think she might have just been pulling my leg, the rascal, but it looks like a jolly good riot. I thought you might like to watch it with me?”

“Sure!” you agree without any hesitation. While you and Jake have a slightly different taste in movies, he likes everything while you only like most everything, you’re always more than happy to have a movie night. He only brought one, sure, but that always ends up with having to watch another one immediately after. You could use a good movie about now.

“Oh good!” he answers with just as much excitement. “Would you and Dirk like to join us?” he asks over your shoulder. Dave must be standing there. You hope he agrees. You rather miss watching movies with Dave. Plus it will keep them distracted for a bit. Letting them embrace the energy the high brings on usually results in the destruction of something. You glance at him and he shrugs an agreement.

While you know Jake and Dirk had some past, in the past where it belongs, it’s never really been anything that affected them. Not outright. You can’t help but to notice how Dirk will do his best to at least put some space between them. He won’t go out of his way for it, but he makes it clear to sit behind you instead of Jake. You’re not sure if it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt Jake again, or if he doesn’t want Jake to hurt him again or both. Maybe you’re overthinking things. Dave flops besides him leaving you and Jake to huddle close to the tv on the floor.

The movies from this planet always keep you on your toes. Rose says they’re actually helpful in learning the culture, too. Not as much as reading, but she digresses. There’s humans and trolls, and humans with horns and trolls without and everything inbetween. It’s kind of weird, you think, but it’s also the awesome kind of weird you like. You once asked how things like that could even happen when trolls lay eggs or something? You’re pretty sure Rose and Kanaya are still investigating thoroughly.

You’re far more tired than you thought. Maybe you really haven’t been sleeping enough. You’d really hate to fall asleep in the middle of this movie, though, so you force your eyes to stay open despite being unable to actually focus on anything. By the time the credits begin to roll, you’re nodding off. It’s still early, you know, but you can’t help it.

“Dirk, can we talk?” you distantly hear Jake say. A large part of you hopes that he’s finally going to be a proper second moirail and have a discussion about Dirk’s addiction. You’re not sure why Roxy hasn’t yet. Maybe she has. You hate that you don’t know what’s going on. The rest of your brain vehemently reminds you that Dirk is still in a fairly redzone of his high and if Jake mentions anything to trigger his paranoia, it won’t end well. You’ve come to the realisation rather recently that Dirk, in fact, is a very paranoid sort of person sober. The drugs make it worse. You’re positive that if Jake even mentions the word drug, Dirk will freak out.

This small part of your mind isn’t enough to rouse you from your sleepy haze. Jake probably already knows Dirk well enough to manage, you rationalize. There’s no way he’d do something silly like that right now.

“Hey,” Dave grumbles. “Don’t sleep on the floor, dude.”

Before you can be moved anywhere, you hear a loud thump from another room followed by what could only be Jake’s panicked voice. You shove Dave away in your rush to get to your feet and nearly trip face first into the floor. The only thing that stops you is the gentle gust that helps you to your feet. You can apologise to Dave later. If he even remembers.

Still stumbling on foot, you rush for the backroom. In your haste, you accidentally captchalogue the doorknob. What the hell. What the actual ever loving hell. This accomplishes two things. A; it slingshots the door wide open and two it shoot unreal air our of your Sllyadex. The incredibly shitty board slowly floats away and is completely unhelpful in every sense of the words. Thanks Bro Dave. Thanks.

The commotion, fortunately, at least gets Dirk’s attention. He’s got Jake pinned to the wall around his throat. Jake is shaking and obviously confused and you think he may just have a panic attack. You need to fix this situation and fast.

“Dirk,” you say carefully. “You promised me you wouldn’t do this. Jake is your friend.” He doesn’t respond. You’re not dispatching the problem at all. One waning step forward couldn’t hurt. It doesn’t and you dare another until you’re along side them. Carefully, you grabbed Dirk’s arm, not forcing him anywhere but definitely trying to will him to let loose.

“Dirk,” you say again. “Don’t disappoint me.” The words slip out of your mouth without you realising how effective they’d be. Dirk let’s go. Immediately, Jake scutters out of reach, holding his own throat cautiously. He doesn’t flee, though, simply trying to calm himself at a safe range. You’re glad for that.

“I’m sorry,” he says and you desperately hope that he’s coming down. “Jake.”

“It’s okay, chap,” Jake breathes back, daring a small if not forced laugh. It makes you a little irritated. It’s very much not okay. ”I can't say I expected that.”

“He’s not feeling very well lately,” you ineloquently cover up, still holding Dirk’s arm in your hands. You just feel safer this way.

“Because he’s still tripping fucking balls two hours later. How do you even maintain a high that long, bro?” Dave scoffs from the door. Dirk growls at him loudly and sure enough, you’re glad you’re holding him. Jake seems confused for a moment.

“You mean like-”

“Cocaine.” What is Dave even trying to accomplish right now? He’s making this so much worse! Dirk is so not okay with it, either. You wonder how bad it would be if you just fled right now and never looked back.

“I was right, then?” Jake murmured with clear disappointment. You could _hear_ Dirk grit his teeth. “Roxy had said- but I didn’t think- Dirk-”

“I want to stop.” You’d admit, you were momentarily confused. It wasn’t Dirk. It was Dave. The appropriate response is to stare stupidly at him. He stares back through those still very ridiculous shades of his. You’re honestly not sure if he’s serious right now.

“Dirk,” Jake repeats again. He’s begging and Dirk doesn’t want to give in. He does. Finally he does.  Dirk’s arm relaxed under your grip.

“Okay. Fine. Okay. I mean, fuck, I want to. Yeah,” he stumbles over his words in a slurred sort of way, but you can tell he’s coming down quickly. He’ll probably change his mind when he’s sober. You hope he won’t. You hope Jake won’t let him.

You couldn’t sleep now even if you tried. Still concerned about Dirk’s mental state, you hold his arm all the way back to the couch. Dave sits on your other side, making a neat little Strider sandwich of you. Jake heads for the kitchen to find something to help sober him up. You doubt he’s going to find anything.

“I’m sorry John,” Dirk says. Your feelings tell you that no amount of ‘sorry’s will make this okay, but you forgive him anyways. He’s your friend, after all. If he tries, then it would be awful of you not to. Dave’s face is in your back. He mumbles something into your back. You’re not sure what he says.

Jake returns with coffee. You’re actually pretty sure combating a stimulant with another stimulant is a bad idea. Fortunately you’re not the only one who thinks this and no one actually drinks any coffee. It might have just been that it was terrible coffee. You glance over Jake and are incredibly relieved to find that there doesn’t seem to be any bruises forming. You really do think he was more startled than hurt.

He puts in another movie. It turns into a movie night anyways. You watch one movie after another until Jake falls asleep, haphazardly sprawled across the floor. Dave snores against your shoulder with his arms crossed over his chest. Dirk has his head in your lap, arms crossed in a similar way to his ecto brother. You can’t sleep.

There’s no way of knowing if either Dave or Dirk are serious about this. It wouldn’t be the first time they made wrong choices in such a state. You’re not even sure if Jake is actually lending a hand to help or is simply going to leave you alone with them again. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Sometimes you wonder if you’re in a doomed timeline. Sometimes you hope you are.

You absently wonder if this is what it feels like to be depressed. Then wonder if you’re actually depressed. The title screen plays over and over again but you know if you move, one or both of them will awaken. You don’t really want to move, anyways. Eventually, you nod off as well.

The first day is easy, as it always is. The second is a little antsy, as usual. You notice Dave twitching on the third and on the fourth hear Dirk smashing one of his robotic parts into the kitchen table. After some research, you decide that this isn’t completely unusual behavior, but it concerns you all the same. On the fifth, you catch both Dave and Dirk scratching excessively and eventually breaking skin. You’d rather bandage the minor scratches than give them drugs. Later that same day you find Dirk eating raw rice and peanut butter, obviously after having eaten everything else. You’re not entirely sure this was a withdrawal symptom.

By the sixth, neither of them want to look at you. Somehow, you feel like you’ve disappointed them. Unreal air is still stuck in the corner of the living room ceiling. Jakes suggests a strife. You and he against Dave and Dirk. No one really wins. On the seventh, Dirk doesn’t get out of bed. Dave’s scratching again. You congratulate them with cake your dad and Jane made. Really you just wanted to get rid of it, but you won’t tell them that.

On the eighth day, they beg for more. You refuse. Dave insists that he knows how to do this thing with his tongue that drove Terezi wild. Dirk insists he can do it better. You abscond the fuck out of there. On the ninth, Vriska tells you Dave came to pick up the package himself and wonders if there’s ‘trouble in paradise’. You have to call Bro Dirk and Bro Dave. It takes them nearly half an hour to wrestle it from them. You feel bad for having to call them in, but you wouldn’t have stood a chance on your own. Not when they’re like this.

They now go out of their way not to look at you. The tenth is the worst. Dirk spends most the day vomiting in the bathroom. Dave has scratched a large raw patch right in the center of his chest. Neither of them speak a word to you.

Jake rescues the unreal air from the living room corner on the eleventh day. It continues to have nothing to do with the plot. Dirk has calmed down a lot. He looks at you. You force a smile. He doesn’t do it again. Dave distracts himself with showing Jake how he makes his comics. You convince Jake to help Dave trim his nails. He scratches less.

Rose and Kanaya visit on the twelfth. They’ve had no leads on the troll and human mating habits. Dave makes innuendo. Very correct innuendo. It reminds you of the old Dave and you catch yourself smiling. He doesn’t do it again. Dirk and Kanaya get into a friendly debate. Rose doesn't analyze.

On the thirteenth, Jake pleas to strife again. This time you and Dave against Dirk and Jake. It ends with you scuffling on the ground with Jake while the Striders watch in amusement and offering the occasional quip. You count it as a win for everyone.

Today, two entire weeks after quitting cold turkey, is lackadaisical. You think they might finally be over it. Neither of them want to look at you, but they’re clean and that’s all that matters, isn’t it? You’ve accepted that things will probably never go back to the way before. It’s about noon and you can already hear Dirk scarfing down whatever he can find in the kitchen.

“Aw, Dirk,” Jake complains loudly. “You didn’t leave me any of the those delectable pastries Jane made.” You really wish she’d stop sending terrible baked goods over. Well they’re not terrible, but if you have to see one more sugary sweet in your life, you’re seriously going to flip. You suppose everyone else likes them, though. As long as you don’t have to eat them.

“They were the best she’s ever made,” Dirk promises in a particularly teasing way. You’re pretty sure the thumping that follows is Jake throwing his entire weight at Dirk and engaging in some healthy play wrestling. You’re kind of glad, really. Dave’s standing in the doorway between the kitchen and living room. You know he’s not looking at you, and yet it still makes you uneasy. Not that it’s unusual for Dave to hover around you as of lately.

He opens his mouth.

“John!” and Karkat’s voice comes out. You jump, fumbling the plate in your hands and immediately causing yourself to captchalogue it. Goddamnit. Why do you keep doing that? At least you weren’t carrying much this time. You suppose that’s as safe of a place for your dirty food as any. You don’t have much of an appetite anyways and even less of one now. Maybe you'll eat it later. You won't.

“John!” Karkat calls from outside again. Before you can open the door for him, he breaks it down. You’d be upset if this wasn’t the umpteenth time he’s done so. Dirk and Jake peer out from the kitchen. Karkat has already worked himself into a frenzy before arriving. Not that you can think of a time when he’s not in a frenzy. “Get out!”

Jake heads for the door immediately. You think he may be a touch afraid of Karkat. Begrudgingly Dirk and Dave follow. You trail after them. Karkat grabs you about the arm.

“Not fucking you, John!” he yells exasperatedly. Right. You’re not entirely sure why you were about to leave your own house. You watch as Karkat kind of leans the door back against the frame. Well now you have two things to fix. You still can’t get the door knob back on the other door. Karkat drags you to the sofa. You can tell this is hard for him.

“Are you busy?” he asks. It’s purely for show because you know for a fact he does not give two shits if you’re busy. Also he just chased everyone out of your house to, in fact, make sure you weren’t busy. You applaud him for trying even though it’s procrastination.

“No?”

“Good! I- need to say things at you,” he murmurs in a quieter voice. Not much quieter, but quieter for Karkar.

“Of course, Karkat,” you assure him. He crosses his arms over his chest angrily, making himself appear rather fluffed out.

“I don’t know what to do with Gamzee,” he finally admits, looking away from you mildly. Most of you is distracted. That’s really all you can be lately. You catch yourself wondering if his eyes are finally filling with pigment or if it’s some other weird troll thing. You can pretty much blame everything on weird troll things.

“What do you mean?” you manage to volley back between thoughts.

“I mean I have a fucking psycho nookstain of a matesprit at my hive chained to a fucking wall and I don’t know what I’m fucking doing!” Karkat snaps again. That sounds, uh, bad.

“Are you, er,” you hesitate. “Looking for an auspistice?” It’s an awkward question even in your mouth.

“No!” he yelps back. “We’re not- we’re not black. Usually. I- Nevermind! That’s not what I’m saying! What makes you think I’d chose a douchenozzle like you, anyways?!” You just kind of shrug in reply because you have no idea how black romances work anyways. You’re actually really relieved that he wasn’t asking.

“Oh. Well, I’m not really sure what you’re asking then, Karkat? Do you want me to help?” You doubt you’d be much help. Karkat doesn’t answer immediately, relaxing only mildly.

“I’m sick of Gamzee right now,” he admits and almost seems guilty about it. You understand a little. He was just looking for some space then. You could probably use some of that, too.

“Will he be okay, uh, chained up?” you ask despite not being all that concerned for Gamzee. Karkat grumbles a reply. That’s a yes, then. “D’ya want to play a game?” You shake the box at him with a half smile.

“I’ve had enough of games for all of the fucking lifetimes. All of them,” he huffs back. You can’t blame him for that. “A movie then? Jake brought one over a couple weeks ago that I didn’t really get to finish.”

“Oh god, it’s not one of those things with the hornless trolls and fucking horned humans,” he complained. You didn’t think they were that bad.

“Well, I have some older ones from before the game,” you assure him. “I could go and -”

“God no,” Karkat puffs. “I can only watch the same human movies so many times in a row, Egbert.” Well you were out of ideas then.

“We could paint each others nails and braid our hair?” you offered. Karkat grins, if reluctantly. “Well what do you want to do?” You feel guilty for not knowing any of your good friend’s hobbies, but really you’ve had a lot on your plate lately. Karkat doesn’t answer immediately. You can hear Dave’s voice distantly outside. The broken door offers zero sound proofing. He’s rambling again. That’s good.

“What’s the movie about?” he finally asks. He’s been busy, too.

“Oh! It’s- uh- um. Hn. I sort of, uh, wasn’t paying attention.” You had watched and it had been interesting but you couldn’t for the life of you recall a single detail from it even after having forced yourself awake. You plop down on the floor, digging out the case. Before you can read from it, Karkat has snatched it from your hands.

“These movies are even worse than your stupid human ones!” He throws back at you. “Put it on. Loudly!” You kind of think Karkat is loud as is, but you do so anyways. He turns it up louder. You find this mildly unpleasant. You hands free communication device goes off. You forgot you still had the thing. You hadn’t thought about it in years. How weird. It’s Karkat. Of course it’s Karkat. You can see him tapping away on his little device on the couch.

 

CG: EGBERT.  
EB: er. is there a reason we’re doing this? i’m sitting right here you know.  
CG: YOUR THREE NEW BEST FRIENDS WON’T GO AWAY. OR SHOULD I SAY OLD.   
EB: oh. right.   
CG: WHAT’S THEIR DEAL?  
EB: i don’t know. i never know anymore.   
CG: WHEN HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN ANYTHING? FOR AS LONG AS I’VE KNOWN YOU, YOU’VE REMAINED ONE OF THE STUPIDEST HUMANS I’VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF MEETING.  
EB: yeah, but, i always sort of knew dave at least.  
EB: he doesn’t even want to see me anymore.  
CG: OH YES. LET’S TALK ABOUT YOUR PETTY HUMAN PROBLEMS. HUMANS NOT WANTING TO TALK TO ONE ANOTHER? HOW INTERESTING.   
EB: sorry karkat. what did you want to talk about.  
CG: NO NO. LET’S TALK ABOUT DAVE AND SMARTER DAVE AND LESS SMART MAN JADE.  
EB: karkat please. i already have a headache.  
CG: SORRY.

As usual, Karkat’s temper is short. You can’t say you’re surprised, but you feel he’s tired, too. Just like you.

CG: CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING AND YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE ELSE.  
EB: pinky promise.  
CG: NO EGBERT. YOU HAVE TO SWEAR IT. THIS IS SERIOUS.  
EB: oh. okay. i sweat it.  
CG: ON YOUR GODTIER.  
EB: gosh karkat. i swear it on my godtier. now tell me.  
CG: GAMZEE KILLED A MAIL DELIVERER.   
EB: what?!?!  
CG: I DON’T KNOW. I CAME HOME AND IT WAS JUST EVERYWHERE.  
EB: i thought he was under control!  
CG: YEAH! ME TOO! WHY DO YOU THINK I’M SURPRISED, ASSHOLE?!  
EB: is this why you chained him up?  
CG: YES.  
EB: if kanaya finds out, gamzee is in so much trouble.  
CG: DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THIS.  
EB: what are you going to do?  
CG: STILL NO TELLING EGBERT.  
CG: BUT I THINK I MIGHT  
CG: TELL KANAYA.  
EB: really? i mean i completely against killing people, yeah, but kanaya will kiiiiill him.  
CG: I KNOW. I’M JUST SICK OF HIS SHIT.  
CG: IT’S BEEN NOTHING BUT TAKING CARE OF HIM.  
CG: I DON’T THINK I CAN HANDLE IT ANYMORE.  
CG: THIS IS MOIRAIL ALL OVER AGAIN.  
EB: whoa  
CG: THE WORST PART IS  
CG: HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE’S DOING.  
CG: I’M NOT GETTING SUCKED INTO A BLACK ROM.  
CG: I WON’T.  
EB: wow no. i understand. 

You have absolutely no advice on managing the psychotic troll. Karkat doesn’t say anything for a bit and all you can do is patiently wait.

CG: WHAT’S WITH THEM?

Them? You take a wild guess and with a discreet glance, notice two pairs of sunglasses peering into the windows.

EB: uh  
CG: WHAT EXACTLY DO THEY THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN?  
EB: probably waiting for us to mack again.  
CG: FUCK NO.  
EB: i should be the one saying that.  
EB: i should also let them back in.  
CG: NO.  
EB: they’re still recovering though. i don’t want them to run off.  
CG: RECOVERING? HOW DO YOU RECOVER FROM NOTHING?  
EB: nevermind.  
CG: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND ATTRACTING STRIDERS, ANYWAYS?  
CG: ARE YOU LIKE A STRIDER MAGNET?  
EB: to be fair, two out of four isn’t fair.  
EB: and it’s not like i did anything.  
EB: we just get along really well.  
EB: or we did.  
CG: WELL YOU BETTER STOP.  
CG: PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE ASHEN.  
EB: i  
EB: what??  
CG: THAT YOU MEDIATE THE STRIDERS.  
EB: why would they think that?  
CG: WHY ELSE WOULD THE THREE OF YOU LIVE IN THE SAME HIVE?  
CG: AND YOU AND STRIDER CERTAINLY AREN’T BLACK.  
CG: AND YOU AND THE SMART STRIDER DEFINITELY AREN’T.  
EB: dave and dirk are not like that.  
EB: i don’t even know how that would work.  
EB: like dave is sort of freaked out about stuff like that anyways.  
CG: SO THEY’RE RED FOR YOU?  
EB: what? 

Oh god, is that your own heartbeat you hear? Yes it is. Beating to the sound of don’t worry.

CG: IT’S SO OBVIOUS, JOHN.  
CG: IF THEY’RE NOT BLACK FOR EACH OTHER  
CG: THEN THEY MUST BE RED FOR YOU.  
EB: what  
CG: THEY LIVE WITH YOU  
CG: THEY GOT CLEAN FOR YOU  
CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK?  
EB: what  
CG: STOP THAT.  
EB: sorry. hold on. 

This is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. You most certainly are not going to get worked up about a mistake Karkat made and you certainly aren’t going to pass out because of that. You might pass out due to your lack of eating and sleeping, though.

EB: neither dave nor dirk are red for me, karkat.  
CG: THEY SO ARE.  
CG: RED AS FUCKING THINGS THAT ARE RED.  
EB: you’re so misunderstanding.  
CG: THEN LET’S ASK THEM.  
EG: NO!  
EG: i mean  
EG: we’re not trolls like you, karkat.  
EG: we don’t work that way.  
CG: THEN THEY’RE IN LOVE WITH YOU.  
CG: I DON’T CARE HOW YOU PHRASE IT  
CG: THEY HAVE THE ‘HOTS’ FOR YOU.  
EG: stop it, karkat!

 

In the nick of time, Jake cautiously peers his head in the door. You close out the chat all too quickly.

“Kankri wants you to turn that down!” he yells over the television. You quickly do so. “I also think he wants Dirk and Dave off the lawn? I couldn’t understand a gosh darn thing he said but he was pointing a storm up at them.”

“Yeah, sorry. You should all come back in, anyways. It’s going to get dark soon,” you promise. Karkat is on his feet suddenly. Then he’s out the door and gone. That was a conversation you most certainly did not want to have. More than gladly, you watch the two Striders cooly re-enter their own home again. You always are a little surprised to remember that this is technically their home, too.

“Could you fix the door please, Dirk?” you murmur, doing your best to not let anything unusual show.

“Yeah,” he agrees effortlessly.

“I think I’m going to go lay down.”

Your friends were _not_ red for you. They _weren’t_.

Maybe.

 


	2. John: Smile

Okay, so they were totally red for you. Your name is JOHN EGBERT and your best friend and his brother are so painfully red for you that you obviously have to be the dumbest person in the universe not to have noticed until now. You lay in your bed, staring at the wall, and try not to think about anything at all. You fail miserably. Everything makes so much sense now. Why they kept sharing your bed, why Dave kept trying to kiss you, and Dirk was obviously flirting.

Your brain forces you to return to the thought of them using drugs to force you into a corner. You doubt that was what happened, it couldn’t possibly be, but maybe you were wrong. Maybe, you think, you were being an enabler when they just wanted your help? This was all your fault, then? Of course it was all your fault. You _know_ Dave and you should have known he would have stopped if you asked. You know Dirk less, but basically anything else you could have done would have been better than what you actually did. Anything at all.

You’re not going to cry like a silly baby. You’re not. You’re not going to cry because you nearly ruined your friends’ lives, or because you’re such an idiot, or at how awful of friend you are. No. You’re going to cry because there’s a huge invisible branch in your eyes. You bury your face in your pillow and you sob until the pressure in the front of your head dispearses. Unfortunately, it doesn’t exactly make you feel better.

You’re hungry and tired and your entire body just distantly aches for no real reason. You don’t have an appetite and the thought of eating makes you physically sick, nor do you want to sleep for fear of some sort of stress dream. So you stare at the wall doing nothing useful; basically like always.

Eventually, you do fall asleep and for the most part, it isn’t unpleasant. When you awaken, you feel a bit better aside from the smothering heat. Dave and Dirk have joined you in the time since you’d fallen asleep. This is the first time they’ve done so since they’ve been clean. Unfortunately, this is very much the last thing you want at the moment. You want to be left alone and the heat drawn from their bodies is making you illy uncomfortable.

You slip out of your bed, carefully wandering out and closing the door behind you. It’s much cooler in the hall. By the lack of light, you decide that it’s the middle of the night and part of you is glad for it. Jake is snoring on the couch. You normally don’t mind Jake staying here but tonight it only annoys you. At least Dirk has fixed the door.

You quietly browse the kitchen in search for something to stomach. Unsurprisingly you find nothing both because nothing is appealing right now and Dirk has pretty much eaten everything. You’re so hungry now, though, that you’re stomach actually causes you pain. There’s a piece of pizza wrapped on the top shelf of the fridge that was probably left specifically for you. You have no choice but to try to eat it.

You take it upstairs with you. The difference between upstairs and downstairs is radically different. Dirk and Dave are supposed to live up here. You’d never actually been in Dave’s house before the game. You absently wonder if it was as messy as this place is.

“Yo John, what’s goin’ on?”

Oh god. The noise startles you and immediately you find yourself face to face with one of Dirk’s rather weird rapping robots. You forgot these things were even up here. You guess Dirk does come up here to work on some of his things.

“O-oh. Hey, Squarewave.”

“What’s got you so down? Dawg gotta flip that frown.” You guess this is better than being around people right now. Dirk’s robots are actually kind of cool. Squarewave leads you towards the couch where the other one is already sitting. Recharging, you guess by the plug running to the wall. It never really occured to you that, that was a thing that happened. You sit next to him and he acknowledges you with a nod. It’s totally cool how they’re so like people but not.

“It’s really nothing,” you assure Squarewave. You unwrap your reluctant meal in your lap.

“Yo bro, take a mo’ and tell Squarewave the downlow,” he insists. Okay, so his rapping is a little awful. You actually don’t mind all that much, though. It actually sort of makes you feel better in some weird way?

“There’s just a lot going on for me, right now. It’s just like, pow,” and you can’t help but smile at how excited Squarewave gets at the simple rhythm.

“Yo don’t sweat it, you just gotta split for a bit,” he assures you. At this point, you’re not surprised you’re getting actual advice from a robot.

“Don’t listen to this fool, this kid’s rhythms take more short cuts than a public school. Taking his advice just ain’t cool,” Sawtooth cuts in. Squarewave frowns? You think?

“Uh, how d’ya mean?” Not focusing on eating makes it that much easier. You’re also legitimately curious now.

“Don’t act tough when you’re in a rut, ain’t no need to bluff. Catch me, lil’ cream puff?”

“Not really?”

“Ignoring your feelings isn’t the way to go. Your friends ain’t gonna dig that flow, you know. If you get to feeling low but you don’t let it show, who’s going to know where to sew?” Sawtooth nudges your arm with his shoulder.

“I guess,” you answer reluctantly. However, you don’t really want to talk to Dave or Dirk right now let alone the two of them together. “It’s just- I don’t know how to handle things like this. How can they even still like me like that after what I did?”

“Dawg don’t dig that bull. You be tight as wool. Nothin’s gonna pull you apart, check out them sleeves with the hearts. You did the right thing and just went with the swing. You’re not the one at fault and not responsible to put it to a halt,” he continues without the slightest slip. You fidget slightly.

“But I was their friend. I should have done something to help.” You should have told them no. It would have been that easy.

“These rhymes ain’t getting through to you son, let me try a different one. As their friend, sometimes you gotta let them fall. Even if they hit the wall, they’ll be better next time around. All you gotta do is be there when they’re ready to get off the ground. You can’t make their mistakes for them, just need to know when to hold ‘em.” Sawtooth’s looking directly at you now. It’s weird how much sense he’s making.

“And when to fold ‘em, yo,” Squarewave says.

“Stop,” Sawtooth deadpans. You can’t help but laugh. The laugh turns worse and you can’t stop yourself. Both of them are watching you blankly, but you can’t help it. It’s been a long time since you’ve laughed like this, hasn’t it? When you finally stop, your chest hurts and your jaw aches, but in a good way. You actually feel better, weird enough.

“Thank you,” you smiled at the pair of them.

“Don’t dig it, babe,” Sawtooth scoffs. If a robot can scoff.

“Any time, Mr. Prime,” Squarewave sort of smiles at you. Quietly you head back downstairs. Everyone’s still asleep. Likely because it’s two in the morning. You can’t sleep now, though. You don’t want to go back to your own bed, Jake is still taking up the couch, and you’re not actually tired. You’re definitely not going outside right now, either, despite how nice a gentle breeze would be.

So, you simply sit yourself in front of the television and turn it down very low. Carefully, you glance back to Jake, but he’s asleep like a stone. You huddle your knees to your chest and watch one of your favorite movies yet again.

Then something occurs to you. They. As in one then two; they. As in Dave _and_ Dirk. Two completely separate people you were for some stupid reason considering a single unit. /They/ are red for you. They as in Dave _and_ Dirk. It gets worse because you have no idea what ‘red for you’ translates to for you. Does it mean like a crush? Or is it literally ‘in love with you’? That makes everything so much worse!

What if they wanted you to choose? You couldn’t do that. You’d sooner flee the planet. Who even said you were red for them? In any way. You- were you?

You could do this without freaking out. Dave first. Dave is like your best guy friend. He’s been there with you, and for you on more than one occasion, since the beginning. He’s so cool and awesome and somehow you’re pretty sure these are not good qualifications for a romantic partner. You get along with him, though, that’s good. You also know you can count on him when you really need it.

Then Dirk. You’ve made fast friends with Dirk, despite Dave’s beginning hesitation. He might actually be cooler than Dave, though that might just be because you’ve been around Dave for so long. He’s a genius, too. Like an actual real life build humanoid robots genius. He’s dependable definitely. Maybe even a little romantic?

You fail to not freak out.

Fortunately, Jake fails to awaken as you begin to hyperventilate into your knees. You try to think of cons. You can not think of any cons. Both your friends are awesome in every way to to think otherwise would make you a terrible friend.

You try to think of this like one of Karkat’s romantic movies. Two trolls have red feelings for an oblivious troll and spend several months addicted to cocaine before spontaneously getting clean after a violent outburst toward one of the troll’s moirail and then the third troll freaks the fuck out at two am in front of the television after talking to two swag robots. This movie would suck. Ignoring that, you try to rummage together an ending. How do romantic movies like that even work?

Then everyone’s happy forever the end. Yes. You like this.

You need to approach this in a different way. You are not a troll and you’re pretty sure things would be easier if you were. Wait, trolls couldn’t have two people in the same quadrant, could they? They would have to be in separate quadrants right? You can’t imagine that working, anyways. Dave’s already your best friend-moirail-thing and he doesn’t want to be? That sort of makes you sad. You’re still not a troll dammit! People can be friends and lovers, right?

Of course they can. None of this is helping you choose. Not that anyone has asked you to choose. Or that you have decided if you either feel red- ugh- romantic for either of them. There has to be an easier way to figure this out. What was it Dave told you to do last time with Vriska?

Would you ask them to a movie? Well of course, they’re your bros. You love watching movies with them. That wasn’t a fair question. Would you enjoy kissing them? You catch your face heating up slightly. You guess? You wouldn’t be against it, certainly. Maybe it would even be kind of nice? Cuddling? Definitely, you would really like that.

You could certainly see yourself in a relationship with them. Only one of them, obviously.

“John?” Shit. You quickly wipe your face on your sleeve and clear your throat. You’re not crying, but your eyes are a little irritated from stare so close to the tv screen. “Why’er you awake, chap?” Jake mumbled tiredly.

“Couldn’t sleep,” you assure him, but don’t turn to him. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t. ‘s all swell. You feeling alright? You nodded off quite early?” he asks and you hear him moving about on the couch.

“Yeah,” you answer absently. “Karkat can just wear a person out, is all.”

“That I can understand,” he chuckles. You feel unnaturally irritated at him for it and you’re not entirely sure why.

“I can leave if you’d like to go back to sleep,” you offer.

“It’s no skin off my back,” he promises. Jake rolls over, away from the tv, and you hear him snoring again a few minutes later. You breath a sigh of relief. You should really go back to sleep. The solution is simple, after all. If they don’t bring it up, neither will you, and if they do bring it up, you abscond like you’re on fire. You turn the tv off and try not to make a noise as you get to your feet. You can’t go back to your own bed, so you decide to just head back upstairs and sleep in Dave’s mostly unused bed.

Both of Dirk’s robots appear to be off this time and you can slip into Dave’s room without another run in. You guess this is where Dave’s been sleeping the last two weeks. You climb into the only slightly uncomfortable looking bed and bundle yourself into the blankets until you feel safe. You fall asleep without crying this time.

You awaken at a more normal time in the morning. Your mouth is dry and your face feels compressed, but those are more irritating than painful. You wince your eyes closed in hopes of dispersing some of the pressure, but it only helps a little. You really just want to remain here and not have to deal with real life. Unfortunately, you don’t have much of a choice.

“Are you alright, John?” Dave asks, probably having seen you move. You roll over to face him, dragging the blankets with you. He’s standing in a towel, dripping wet. If you roll back over now you can pretend to still be asleep.

“Yeah,” you assure him with a lazy yawn. He stares at you through his shades with a look that obviously doesn’t believe you. You don’t blame him. You untangle yourself from the sheets.

“We should talk,” he says and you want to do that even less than last night.

“Can we later?” you answer instead. “Bathroom.” Which is mostly true. You will avoid this conversation through all means possible. Dave doesn’t answer. You part from the room as quickly as you can manage. Dirk’s in the living room, though, and you have to greet him good morning before scampering down the stairs. Manly like scampering. Jake’s still asleep and you slip into the bathroom without anymore socializing.

You relieve your bladder first, then take a moment to wash your face. You’ll shower later. Everyone’s awake and downstairs when you come back out. Jake grins at you.

“Morning,” he pips. You answer distantly.

“Well Dirk’s eaten everything again,” Dave states from the junction of the living room and kitchen. Dirk scoffs. “How do you even manage that, bro?”

“I’m _always_ hungry,” Dirk partially explains but mostly complains.

“Jake,” Dave says and Jake pops his head up immediately. “Could you make a breakfast run?”

“Sure thing!” Jake agrees pleasantly. He’s so happy. It makes your mood plummet immediately.

“I’ll come with you,” you assure him. Anything to not have to deal with the Striders yet.

“It’s okay, John. I can manage.” Before you can insist, though, he’s out the door leaving you alone. Cahoots. Now is a good time to take that shower. You turn to head back into the bathroom, but you’re stopped. This time by Dirk.

“John,” he says and you pause with your hand on the door. “I think we should talk.”

“Uh,” no. Nope. Noooooooo. “About what?”

“John,” Dave says pointedly because he knows you know.

“About us,” Dirk elaborates. You continue to act stupid. Well, it’s not much of an act, is it?

“What do you mean?”

“I would like to mack on you until- I guess you don’t want to anymore. And other date stuff, you know,” Dave mumbles, crossing his arms lazily.

“Dinner, movies, a nice walk now and again?” Dirk continues. He motions you to the couch and you have no choice but reluctantly sit. He sits beside you and Dave wanders over. He nudges you aside a bit to site opposite of Dirk.

“Ironically or otherwise,” Dave adds helpfully. Or not, really.

“Uh.” You can not abscond!

“I understand if you decline after everything that’s happened. I’m so sorry-”

“No,” you choke out suddenly without even thinking about it. “I’m sorry. I should have done something sooner. I let things get too far. I was a shitty friend. I don’t even know why you guys still put up with me now. I almost let you ruin your lives. After everything we’ve been through, I should have known better.” Neither of them say anything. Now is when you stop talking, but you can’t. You’re too desperate to fill the silence with anything except more silence.

“I just wanted everyone to be happy for once and if it made you happy I didn’t- I don’t want to take that from you. It wasn’t hurting anything.” You’re aware this completely conflicts with what you just said. “I’m so stupid. I just- I just-” So you’re crying again. You look down, swiftly taking your glasses off to rub away the water creeping down your face. Dirk grabs your chin in his fingers.

“None of those things were your fault,” he says softly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” You don’t find this intimate action strange. Which is good, you guess. It means you do have those feelings for Dirk. You swallow. Dave takes your hand.

“We made our own mistakes and were lucky enough to have you there through it,” he continues. It’s supposed to make you feel better and maybe that’s why it doesn’t. Of course they wouldn’t flat out tell you you’re a stupid, awful friend. Dirk’s lips are on yours.

You may be freaking out a little. It’s a very simple kiss, though, just the softest pressure of his lips on yours, but it’s so nice. Wow, you were right. Then Dave’s doing the same, leaning into you and pressing his lips gently to yours and shit, that’s also really nice. Neither of these things help you. In fact, it only makes the tears come harder. You’re too old to be doing this!

“John,” Dave murmurs against your face calmly.

“I don’t want to choose,” you sob. This earns you two bizarre looks.

“Choose?” Dirk repeats.

“Choose what?” Dave scoffs at you. You’re now just as confused. You sniffle back some tears.

“Between the two of you?” you sort of ask. They both stare at you.

“Why would we ask you to choose?” Dave says in that condescending sort of way. You open your mouth to respond, but your brain doesn’t supply the words. You just kind of assumed because- because people don’t do things like this? You guess things like that don’t apply to you, really, everything considering. Maybe it was because you didn’t think they’d want to share? Did you want to be shared?

“Unless you want to choose-” Oh god no. You want to be shared. You want to be shared! “We’re totally cool with it. I mean, if that’s what you want of course.” Dirk is smothering. He’ll want attention constantly and to know what you’re doing pretty much always. He’ll follow you as long as you don’t tell him to stop and he’ll quickly become distressed if you don’t acknowledge him in some way. Dave is distant. He’ll only acknowledge you when he wants and likely brush you off frequently. He can be selfish and even cold come to think of it.

They’re watching you, you know this, and for some reason now is exactly the time you begin to consider the cons. This is probably a really bad idea. You don’t want to ruin your friendship with anyone, either. Not to mention, their cons do not cancel each other out and you’re not stupid enough to even consider it. You need to talk to Rose. You need to talk to Rose right now before you make another horrible decision.

You can not abscond.

If you hold your breath, maybe Jake will come back soon. He does not. So you fall back on instinct. You have been told you have none. Whatever. You actually want this though. Or rather, you can see yourself adjusting to it and enjoying it even. It’ll be just like before but with more kissing and less cocaine.

“Okay,” you say and definitely mean it. “I mean, it’s worth a try, isn’t it?” You grin at them, trying not to make it appear forced. By the way they react, it doesn’t work. You bite your lip a bit. That’s what Jake decides to appear again. Cahoots!

Things go well, you think. After only the first week, you’re honestly starting to feel good again. It’s kind of like how things use to be only different, but this time the good kind of different. You can’t really get used to initiating a kiss with either of your friends, but it’s certainly not a problem when they can do it. Often. You certainly don’t mind, by any means, you actually really like kissing.

Dirk does it more often, but Dave does it more than you had initially thought. You guess they really don’t mind sharing. You’ve had to ban kissing during movies, though. One of them will start kissing you and then the other will and before you know it, you’ve missed the entire movie.

Now that you’ve actually agreed to let them share your bed, it was clearly time to invest in a bigger bed. It was pretty easy to alchemize one.

You- have no idea why these things still work outside the game.

It’s kind of weird actually going to bed with both the Striders instead of just waking up with them there. Dirk sort of wraps his arms around your waist from behind and Dave ends up sleeping with his face in your collar and you’re really comfortable. You wake up and there’s no pressure in your face and you don’t ache and god are you starving.

Sex doesn’t really occur to you until one day after a strife you declare that you’re going to take a long shower to sooth your bruises and Dave asks if he can join you. It’s not that you’re a complete virgin or anything, but Karkat was the only other dude you’ve been with and that doesn’t even count because it was only kissing. You agree, mostly out of curiosity, but nothing happens. Dave just kind of showers with you. A bro shower.

You kind of have to wonder after that. You have to wonder a lot. You wonder straight to the computer at Karkat’s hive. This is because if you look it up at your own house, Dirk and Dave will definitely know about it. You’re not very secretive about it, either.

“I want to look at porn on your husktop.”

“What?!” Karkat yells back at you as you brush past him and into his hive. You give a cautious look around for his matesprit, but it doesn’t seem like Gamzee is here. You never did find out what Karkat did about that.

“I can’t do it at home and I’m not going to Rose’s and Nepeta and Equius are still staying with Jade so you know how bad of an idea that is.” You plop down in front of his weird computer thing.

“Go see Vriska!” he yelps.

“Dude. You don’t go over your ex’s to look up porn for you new relationship,” you scoff.

“You didn’t even actually date her!”

“Well no, but still. That’d be weird for her,” you insist. He scoffs at you, but doesn’t leave the room. He’s probably as curious as you are. It’s purely educational. You’re not entirely sure how to go about this, however. You just kind of dive straight into it. Your first choice of words manages to bring up several paysites. You add the word free before trying again.

“Hey!” Karkat yelps and you quickly hit the back button to escape your stray click. You were so not looking for human/troll porn. Sometimes you forget that they live together on this planet. It takes you a few more clicks, but you finally find what you’re looking for. Karkat flees the room pretty much immediately, leaving you to your business.

You’re not entirely sure what you were trying to accomplish with this. You were mostly just curious as to how it would even work with two guys. Or, uh, three? You were never really one for porn though, and it hadn’t occurred to you to masturbate to any of this. Wow some of these guys were flexible. Dirk’s really flexible. Dave probably is too. There’s your boner.

The thought of actually doing any of this stuff with your, er, boyfriends is a totally different story. You do wonder, though, if either of them actually want sex with you. If you hadn’t thought of it until now, maybe they hadn’t, either?

“Karkat, you can have your computer thing back!” you yell. There’s no reply. You guess he actually left.

“He motherfucking left.” Oh god! You turn to face Gamzee immediately. The troll simply stands in the doorway, though, munching on whatever it is he has in that bag. How long had he been standing there?

“Oh. Well, I should be going. Tell Karkat I said thanks?” Just because he doesn’t look like he’s going to attack doesn’t mean he’s not. You really hope he’s not.

“No motherfucking problem, bro.”

You abscond.

While this has proven fruitful to you, it’s not entirely helpful to your particular situation. You really have no other choice but to simply ask. You do not have the guts to do this right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship as it is now. All of this does, however, remind you that you haven’t been in the mood to masturbate for nearly a month now and the idea kind of strikes you as odd. You don’t have time to dwell on this.

Only a few seconds after you’ve entered your house again is Dave on you. He cups your face in his hands and begins to kiss you feverishly. Wow do you love kissing. You melt into it gladly, your back hitting the wall and his tongue in your mouth. He moves his hands to under your arms, grabbing handfuls of your shirt and pinning you in place. It’s okay, though, because you feel safe. You grab at his upper arms as a sort of support.

Dave only pulls away when there’s not enough air between the two of you. He stares at you for a moment before you realise that’s totally a hard on between your legs and it’s definitely yours because Dave’s is on your thigh. Wow this is awkward. You’re not sure why since this is your boyfriend. That’s still kind of foreign to say. Not that you have. Or will outloud. He doesn’t say anything for once, he usually likes to comment on something like your teeth or make a joke which in all fairness are usually pretty funny. Instead of that, he just grabs you around the arm and leads you toward the bedroom.

“Dave?” you question, not entirely sure if you’re pleased with this event or not.

“Karkat,” Dave answers. Karkat you traitor. This calls for revenge. You can’t really say anything in reply to that because you've basically been caught red handed. You’re actually kind of pleased. You’re still not sure if Karkat does the things he does because of selfish reasons or selfless reasons. It’s hard to tell. Or if he even realises. None of this is relevant to anything right now.

Dirk’s fiddling with a drawer in the room when you and Dave enter. He stops immediately to look at you, then he’s in front of you. You know he ‘flash steps’ and it still startles you.

“Are you alright with this?” he asks. If you tried to speak now, you’re pretty sure you’d end up saying something stupid, so you simply nod. He cups your cheek in his hand and brushes his tongue along your bottom lip. He holds you gentler than Dave does, but his kisses are more aggressive and dominant. They’re equally nice. Dave is somehow behind you now where he just kind of nuzzles the back of your neck. You’re probably selfish for letting things like this happen.

You’re not really sure what to do with your hands, or any other part of you, so you settle for grabbing Dirk’s waist. He’s solid under your fingers. Dave pushes his fingers into the waistband of your pants, his tongue now firm against your pulse. Dirk unfastens the button in the front. You decide that now is probably the best time to get rid of those pesky shades. You manage to toss Dirk’s out of the way, less the interested to if they survive impact. Dave’s are a bit harder to get to without contorting yourself, but he gives you a hand and lays them aside willingly.

Dirk looks down to you with a frown, obviously displeased with his face gear’s treatment. You couldn’t care less, however, with those orange orbs looking at you. That may have been a tremor that just ran through you. Dirk attaches his lips to the empty side of your throat and his hands are on your ass. Dave rubs your cock through your boxers, drawing a shiver straight out of your bones. A moan gets tangled in your throat.

It’s incredibly hot in here, isn’t it? This time, it’s a comfortable heat. A painfully embarrassing whimper brushes from your lips. Dave’s guiding you forward, making Dirk move in the same direction. There is no grace in this act thanks to you, awkwardly placing your feet where they don’t belong and nearly tripping everyone involved. Somehow you manage to make it to the bed without anyone injured. They stop kissing your neck for a bit.

Dave pulls your shirt off over your head and you naturally cover your chest with your arms. Dirk has a very predatory look on his face that causes another shiver to strike through you. The two of them lavish your chest with with teeth and tongue and you grab handfuls of whatever you can get a hold of. Dirk mouths over one of your nipples, but you guess they’re not all that sensitive for you because it doesn’t feel all that different from anywhere else.

“What- what should I do?” you murmur softly.

“Just hang out,” Dave assures you, kneading your crotch again in his hand. You nibble on your lip.

“You both still have your shirts on. That’s not fair,” you insisted, pulling at your boyfriend’s shirts with each hand. Dirk gladly sheds from his shirt, pulling it off over his head in a way that flexes his attractive stomach. Dave’s slimmer, but no less attractive. And you’re dating both of them. Dirk steps to the drawer again. While he’s busy with other things, Dave goes back to kissing you again.

You break away however, to reciprocate his kisses. They’ve probably left hickies all over you and you want to at least leave one. You mostly just end up biting him. Dave doesn’t seem to mind very much. Dirk’s hands are on your hips again, this time with a more straightforward objective. You have to lift your hips to help him get you undressed and Dave takes the moment to pull you into his lap. You’re kind of embarrassed to be completely naked like this. You pretend that you’re not.

Dave brings his fingers over your erection, stroking you painfully slow. You rut towards the friction needily. Dirk rubs a pair of slicked fingers between your legs, running over your scrotum and brushing against your anus. You make more noises that you weren’t all that aware you could. He tugs to back slightly, away from Dave’s grip.

“Squeeze your thighs together,” Dirk breathes into your ear. You do as he asks. Dave’s exposed cock is very near your face in this position, but you’re nervous about putting your mouth on it. Instead, you use your hand which he seems to be more than okay with. He runs his fingers through your hair and you love it.

Dirk rubs lubrication between your thighs with one hand and the other strokes your penis, pulling at the foreskin. Oh, and that would be his dick. He thrusts between your thighs, grinding against your most sensitive outer parts and sending pleasure through you like volts. He starts an eager pace and you unconsciously match it with your hand. The only thing you can hear is the sound of your own voice squeaking out with each jolt with Dave and Dirk humming pleased sounds as back up.

This was so much better than you thought it would be and you thought it would be pretty good. You’re positive you’re getting louder. Dirk draws out several more strokes and you reach orgasm. You naturally clench your legs together tighter and squeeze Dave between your fingers. This earns you a crisp noise from both of your boys.

Dirk gives another thrust, drawing a slightly more pained whimper from you this time because wow are you sensitive now. You’re aware of the hot seed dripping down your leg, but you don’t mind it too much. You do kind of mind it on your face though.

“Ah dude, sorry,” Dave says. He doesn’t sound sorry. You give him a cold stare before wiping the spot from your glasses with your thumb. Without thinking, you lick it off. You’re not sure what you were expecting.

“It tastes like orange crush,” you scoff, looking up to Dave as if he would offer some explanation. Instead, his poker face is just as red as his eyes. Before you can look too much into it, Dirk’s pulled a towel over your face to help you clean off. You rub your face off gladly while Dirk wipes your legs clean. Dave takes the towel from you when you’re done to to clean himself off.

Dave moves out of the way as Dirk lifts your legs up and tosses you effortlessly onto the bed. You quickly huddled close to Dave in order to give Dirk enough room on the bed to join you. He lays an arm above your head and toys with a few strings of your hair while his brother rests a hand on your stomach.

You smile happily. That was wonderful.

“You’re smiling,” Dave murmurs and places his face in your shoulder.

“Sorry?” You smile all the time!

“You haven’t smiled in months,” Dirk adds on.

“I have too,” you puff back. Neither of them answer, though. You close your eyes and enjoy the warmth for a moment, your body still tingling from the after effects of your climax. You hope they’re not asleep already.

“Could we maybe,” you mutter, “try more stuff next time?”

“Anything you want, babe,” Dirk chuckles.

“Didn’t think you were the kinky kind, Egbert,” Dave laughs at you.

So your friends are red for you. Painfully painfully red, and you’re just as red for both of them. This is something you can see yourself living with for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wasn't actually supposed to be a two shot, so it's like not even about cocaine anymore, sorry. it's about smut now because everything ends up as smut always. i swear i'm done now. always accepting requests.

**Author's Note:**

> god i'm awful at one shots. still getting a feel for the characters, many apologies. i take requests at themadkingsendshismilk.tumblr.com


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